You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
