I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
