My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
