i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
