And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
