Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
