I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Drake has all the answers
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
