Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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