I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
