apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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