she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
