I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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