Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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