At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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