You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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