Please don't use social media to get back at me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
