Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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