You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
