eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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