I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
