dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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