Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
