we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
