you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
