he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
