Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
