I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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