I am puke
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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