am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
