There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
