He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
