Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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