It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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