You don't have asthma, your pregnant
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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