I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
