I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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