Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Text me some of your sweat
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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