I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
