I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
