finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
