I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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