PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
