I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
