I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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