i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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