I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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