Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
