Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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