Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
