I smell stomach acid.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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