shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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