Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We left the knife in your bed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
